Listeners’ Letter

Dear diet culture,

Over the course of the last three years since I started listening to Julie’s podcast, I have sat down to write this letter so many times, questioning, will I write to food, to doctors, to exercise, to family, to friends? Every single time I sat down, I thought, why is my story the one to share? How does my story differ from anyone else’s? But when Julie asks you personally to share your letter, it felt like the right time to finally go for it. So take a deep breath with me, grab a warm beverage, and let’s go through this journey together.

My experience with diet culture started when I was a kid watching someone close to me suck down their Slim Fast shakes and begging them for my very own. I am sure it started before that with movies and television, seeing magazines in the checkout line. But I think with that Slim Fast shake, I think that’s the first time I recognized I was actively trying to shrink my body. No matter how many times I was told I was unique or special and it’s good to stand out, our culture shared a different message. It’s better when you fit in, when you look like everyone else, when you don’t upset the status quo. These beauty standards are impossible to keep up with. Look at how people have changed decade to decade. These standards keep the same people in positions of power and the marginalized groups exactly where they “belong”: below people in power.

This all led me on a tumultuous journey with food and dieting. When I turned 16, I found out a friend in my high school choir was on a weight loss drug she had been using for a year, and I could tell. I complimented her on how fabulous she looked, and asked her what she did. I recognized boys noticing her, and people flocking to tell her how incredible her transformation was. I promptly went home and asked my mom to take me to the doctor to go on the same drug. Naturally, the doctor agreed because I was, in their eyes, the O word. I was on that drug for about two years, and while one side effect was weight loss, the doctor didn’t mention I would have cotton mouth, heart palpitations, be thirsty all the time, not be able to sleep, and have crippling anxiety. But when society reinforces the thin beauty ideal, and you, diet culture, are on a rampage, all those side effects seem to be worth it. Until they weren’t.

Fast forward 12 years later, through countless diets, an eating disorder, disordered eating, to therapy, self help books, discovering intuitive eating, going on one more diet, trying one more weight loss drug, realizing I had friends who wanted to live an anti diet life, to now. The thing no one really shared with me about diet culture is how messy and nuanced you are. How no matter how long you have told yourself you no longer want to diet, or feel the need to, there will always be this pole in the back of your mind saying, come on, just give it one more go. With time, I have felt that voice start to get smaller and quieter as the support of my fat friends and allies has grown around me to push back against the dieting norm. It’s still totally sucks that it’s there, and it likely won’t ever go away completely. It sucks that every time I’m around certain family members or friends, they are constantly talking about losing weight, about what they’re eating and why, about how much they exercise and why, about their latest diet. It’s honestly exhausting. And to feel sometimes like I’m the only person on the planet pushing back, saying to anyone who will listen, you realize diet culture is rooted in racism, that fatphobia discriminates against people you love, that when you speak like this you hurt people you love, that all of it is total and complete bullshit, not based in science or fact, but really sleazy marketing tactics, and it’s so harmful to everyone. I can’t even go to the vet without the veterinarian fat shaming my cat, saying, oh, it looks like he’s getting too big. Better not feed him as much. No matter how many times I share this message, set boundaries for myself, stand up, sit down, speak out, walk away, diet culture, you remain the constant parasite of my life I can’t be rid of.

So the purpose of this letter to diet culture is to share just that. This is messy and nuanced. It’s not going to be all packaged up, tied with a pretty bow. When I decided to close the door on dieting, I opened a door to facing the challenges that come with that decision. I don’t regret my choice. I am so happy my life isn’t dictated by my food choices and exercise habits anymore, but I also grieve the comfort, control, and even relationship building dieting brought with it. So if you’re listening to my letter to diet culture now and you feel similarly, I just want you to know you’re not alone. You can totally find your food voice, and the journey you’re on, while incredibly challenging, is so worth it.

Signed,

Your fat companion Coleen.