(152) What if my recovered body is too big? (with Caroline Dooner)

When did you learn that certain bodies were more valuable? When did you start your first diet? Recovering from chronic dieting or an eating disorder can’t all be independent and individual. Culturally we must change together to help support your recovery. Listen to the latest Love Food Podcast episode and hear from Caroline Dooner, author of the book The Fuck It Diet.

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This episode is brought to you by my courses: PCOS and Food Peace and Dietitians PCOS and Food Peace. You CAN make peace with food even with PCOS and I want to show you how.

I want to share the work going on within Decolonizing Fitness. The person behind it, Ilya Parker, is a trans person of color Physical Therapist Assistant and Medical Exercise Coach with over 13 years of rehabilitative and functional training experience. He is a social justice advocate and educator whose work centers gender, racial and healing justice.

He decided to merge his love for restorative based movement practices and community advocacy to create Decolonizing Fitness, LLC; which is a social justice platform that provides affirming fitness services, community education and apparel in support of body diversity. Check out www.decolonizingfitness.com.

This episode’s Dear Food letter:

Dear Food, 

You are my best friend and my worst enemy. You are as familiar to me as my own backyard, and yet as foreign as the deepest realms of the ocean. I taste you and smell you and manipulate you with my two hands every day. I read about you. I peruse photographs of you on Instagram. I am obsessed with you. And yet, I hate you. 

Currently, I work as a baker. I graduated last spring with a BS in nutrition. I’ve learned through my career how to meld delicious flavors and bake a custard to perfection. I’ve learned through my schooling how to teach others about ‘balanced’ eating. However, I don’t know how to eat. I’ve cycled through patterns nearly my whole life. Restriction, bingeing, purging, exercising and always compulsively weighing myself. I’ve probably spent at least $200 on bathroom scales. Once, in Italy, I pretended to tour a gym in interest of their membership, just hoping to find a scale. My weight is the center point of my life. Therefore, you are at the center point of my life. 

My childhood was…interesting – as said in a negative, classically Minnesotan matter. I also don’t have the best memory of those days, but I can place pieces together. I ate for comfort, and my high weight quickly became an issue I could not escape. I don’t remember when I was first placed on a diet, but the on-again, off-again dieting cycle started some time in elementary school. My step-mom took me to doctors for weight loss medication. I’d take it, but with limited results. I remember shopping for clothes Old Navy. I remember my embarrassment having to purchase the XYZ T-shirts. I remember my step-mom telling me “if only you could lose some weight, your face is so pretty.” I remember when I was 11, my mother brought me to a plastic surgeon to consider liposuction. Thankfully, he advised us not to take this route because my body was still changing. At school, I was bullied. I remember a child in middle school telling me I was the cause of world hunger. I remember a girl at a birthday party asking me why I was invited. I was ‘too fat’ to sit in the hot tub. 

Everything changed when I was 13. As a bit of background, my father had custody of me during the summer. Most children coveted summers, but I dreaded staying with him. He was almost always working and traveling – leaving me alone with only my stepmom. I felt lonely, isolated and, eventually, angry. I decided to take control: I stopped eating. Between the beginning of eighth grade and the beginning of ninth grade I lost over XYZ pounds. I could finally wear clothes designed for people my age. Boys finally noticed me. My mom finally told me I was pretty. I was also very hungry. I carefully watched my food intake. I obsessively counted calories. And I’d weigh myself every day. In high school, I started hiding my scale because my mom had realized it was an issue. At age 14, I was diagnosed with an eating disorder. 

Since this diagnosis, I have been in and out of recovery. My eating disorder has shifted all over the board. I identify most closely with bulimia, but I also have restrictive tendencies. I still weigh myself compulsively. I hate myself on the days the needle hasn’t budged – I hate myself even more if the needle budges in the wrong direction. Some days I cry to myself in the mirror because I hate what I see. I pinch my fat rolls and tell myself over and over that I am fat and useless. Throughout the tougher battles, I’ve sought out treatment. But when I initially step out of the grip of my eating disorder, that hideous monster wraps his hands around me and draws me back. He convinces me I don’t need treatment. He convinces me I should have an abusive relationship with him instead of a healthy relationship with you. I am fortunate in that I have gone through periods of more mindful eating. Typically, this lasts only for a few months, but those months have always brought freedom and joy. Unfortunately, you’re so entangle with the eating disorder that he never leaves completely. He always finds his way back to me. 

At the same time that I struggle, those around me don’t notice a thing. They praise me for my dedication to working out. They commend my healthy eating. “Oh, what’s for lunch today? A salad? Classic.” My co-workers don’t feel my isolation when they’re enjoying a staff lunch of barbeque while I quietly eat raw vegetables. My family doesn’t understand my pain when I’m the only one to deny dessert. They love my self-control. I tell them I’m a baker and I get sick of sweets. Really, I’m denying myself the current satisfaction only so I can secretly eat to no end later. As a baker, though, I still find enjoyment in you. My friends and I are fanatics of the restaurant industry, and I do admire you as a work of art. The eating disorder likes to deprive me of this adoration and leave me only with desperation. 

Food, you make me so confused. I don’t know if I want to work with you full-time. I don’t know if my joys for cooking and nutrition are true, or if they only stem from the grips of my disorder. I am confused with my path in life, and my relationship with you is blocking my view. I want to remedy our relationship so I can navigate my future, but my self-hatred and fear of weight gain keeps me from full recovery. Although treatment has helped, I still feel trapped and terribly alone. Will I ever find my way out of this terrible maze?

Sincerely,

The Broken Baker

Show Notes:

Do you have a complicated relationship with food? I want to help! Send your Dear Food letter to LoveFoodPodcast@gmail.com. 

Click here to leave me a review in iTunes and subscribe. This type of kindness helps the show continue!

(151) How do I get pregnant without dieting? (with Nicola Salmon)

Are you trying to navigate your Food Peace™ journey yet stuck within the Fertility Dieting Bubble? Do doctors tell you that you MUST diet to get fertility treatment? Do you have that primal desire to get pregnant yet grieve every month it doesn’t happen? Listen to the latest Love Food podcast and hear from Nicola Salmon, a Fat Positive and Feminist Fertility Coach. We hope it helps you pave your way forward.

Subscribe and leave a review here in just seconds.

This episode is brought to you by my courses: PCOS and Food Peace and Dietitians PCOS and Food Peace. You CAN make peace with food even with PCOS and I want to show you how.

I want to share the work going on within Decolonizing Fitness. The person behind it, Ilya Parker, is a trans person of color Physical Therapist Assistant and Medical Exercise Coach with over 13 years of rehabilitative and functional training experience. He is a social justice advocate and educator whose work centers gender, racial and healing justice.

He decided to merge his love for restorative based movement practices and community advocacy to create Decolonizing Fitness, LLC; which is a social justice platform that provides affirming fitness services, community education and apparel in support of body diversity. Check out www.decolonizingfitness.com.

This episode’s Dear Food letter:

Dear food,

I’ve loved the last 8 months after finding intuitive eating and going on my non diet ‘adventure’, it’s helped me find peace with myself and explore food in a different way. I still am working on it and am not perfect, I’m learning every day and slowly learning to love my body and treat it with the compassion it deserves.

My partner and I have been trying to have a baby for the last two plus years and have been doing fertility treatments (including ivf) for the last year.

My fertility issues really started my journey into non- dieting after my quest to have a baby sent me trying every weird and wonderful diet and ultimately I hit diet rock bottom.

I’ve been a dieter most of my life but feel like it really spiralled when trying to conceive, I found intuitive eating after not feeling like I could embark on yet another diet.

Reading everything  online about what you should and shouldn’t eat when trying to conceive was a downward spiral, I tried everything and anything (all which didn’t work!). Infertility really is an emotional mind fuck (excuse the language).

Now that I’ve found the non diet approach I try to treat myself with love and compassion, but all of the ‘research’ out there tells you to go keto or dairy free or eat pineapple or [focus on weight loss] etc how do I nurture myself when tying to conceive while following the non diet approach?

Thanks

Struggling with infertility

Show Notes:

Do you have a complicated relationship with food? I want to help! Send your Dear Food letter to LoveFoodPodcast@gmail.com. 

Click here to leave me a review in iTunes and subscribe. This type of kindness helps the show continue!

(126) I have no willpower.

Do you feel like you have no willpower when it comes to food? Does it seem like you will never get out of the cycle of dieting and bingeing? Are you even wondering if you may have a food addiction? Listen along as Julie Duffy Dillon provides insight on your next steps of your Food Peace journey.

Episode’s Key Points:

  • Nutrition Myth: Calories in, calories out is the key to weight loss.—>Fat phobia is actually at the root of this false message
  • Intuitive Eating will help bring about peace with food and your body through rebuilding connections with your body and allowing food to be consumed for both fuel and pleasure.
  • Taking steps to dismantle our fat phobic system and move towards body liberation is key to promoting health for us all.
  • Our worldview of bodies is broken, not our bodies.
  • Research shows that diets don’t work for most people.
  • Saying someone is addicted to food is like saying they’re addicted to oxygen, water, warmth, and sleep —>we need all of these to stay alive; “We can’t be addicted to something we need to survive” –Amy Pershing
  • Connect with as many fat positive people as you are able in order to help move towards body autonomy and body liberation.

Show Notes:

Do you have a complicated relationship with food? I want to help! Send your Dear Food letter to LoveFoodPodcast@gmail.com. 

Click here to leave me a review in iTunes and subscribe. This type of kindness helps the show continue!

Thank you for listening to the Love, Food series.

(10) Kimmie Singh on worthiness and chronic conditions

This Chapter of the PCOS and Food Peace Podcast is brought to you by Julie’s PCOS and Food Peace course. Get 25% off using the coupon code ‘podcast’ at check out. Get all the details here:

Did you enjoy the podcast? Leave us a rating, review, subscribe or share the podcast! Doing these small acts of kindness help the show grow and connect more with the concept of Food Peace.

Notes:

Thank you to Theralogix, the makers of Ovasitol, for sponsoring the podcast.

  • Ovasitol is an inositol supplement with a blend of myo-inositol and D-chiro-inositol, in the body’s optimal ratio of 40 to 1.
  • Inositols are nutrients that help to decrease insulin resistance, promote menstrual regularity, restore ovulation, and balance hormone levels.
  • In convenient powder form, Ovasitol can be enjoyed in your favorite beverage or smoothie.
  • Available in both a canister and convenient single-serving packets, Ovasitol contains 100% pure inositols, with no additives.
  • Read our blog post about what Inositols can do to help your PCOS.
  • Order online today at theralogix.com. During checkout, use “PRC” code 127410 for an exclusive PCOS and Food Peace Podcast discount.
  • Enter to win a 90-day supply here! (We will be picking 4 random emails from those who enter during September 2018. All will be notified via email.)

(121) I’m ashamed that I can’t control my eating and drinking (with Victoria Welsby)

Have you experienced a chaotic relationship with food full of diets and shame? Do you struggle with an addiction to alcohol and wonder if abstinence looks the same with food and alcohol? Are you exploring intuitive eating concepts yet feel out of control? Listen to the latest Love Food podcast with special guest Victoria Welsby.

Subscribe and leave a review here in just seconds.

This episode is brought to you by my online course, Your Step-by-Step Guide to PCOS and Food Peace™. You CAN make peace with food even with PCOS and I want to show you how.

Check out the Love, Food Podcast store. All T-Shirt designs have at least one with size range options from XS to 5X. All proceeds go to funding this labor of love to keep it as a free resource for you.

Product links may be affiliate. If you click and make a purchase, there’s no extra cost to you.

The transcribed episode can be found here.

Episode’s Key Points:

  • Special guest Victoria Welsby from BamPowLife.
  • Dieting and making strides to lose weight and change your body in an effort to get the things you want in life (or to just simply be accepted) is the rule in our society rather than the exception
  • Research shows that those who embark on a dieting journey regain a significant amount of the weight lost within the first year and all or most of the weight back at year five. So what does this mean? Diets don’t work.
  • Additionally, dieting frequently induces shame. Shame that isn’t yours to carry as you don’t fail at diets. Rather, the diets fail you and this shame burden belongs to our oppressive society.
  • Sometimes alcohol dependence coincides with one’s eating concerns. However, it is important to separate these as while you can be addicted to alcohol, you cannot be addicted to food. You need food to live whereas your survival isn’t dependent on alcohol. In addition, while you can have a “normal” physical and emotional relationship with food as you recover from disordered eating, you may not be able to have the same relationship with alcohol moving forward.
  • As you begin to heal, it is important to make space to honor how you’ve been coping and keeping yourself alive.
  • As you explore Intuitive Eating, it is common to feel like you are constantly battling your brain in the beginning. This is because your body has to learn to trust you again and know food is unconditionally accessible.
  • Be kind to yourself, be patient with yourself, and remove the shame as you begin your Intuitive Eating journey. It is challenging work and takes time.
  • Healing from internalized fat phobia is a huge part of this journey as well and means learning to feel at home in your body as it is now as there are no body size guarantees.
  • Fat bodies are “normal” bodies too. Connecting with those who live in fat bodies is an important step in healing your relationship with food and your body.

Show Notes:

Do you have a complicated relationship with food? I want to help! Send your Dear Food letter to LoveFoodPodcast@gmail.com. 

Click here to leave me a review in iTunes and subscribe. This type of kindness helps the show continue!

Thank you for listening to the Love, Food series.