I still remember the first time I called a therapist to ask for help. These moments are painful yet so brave. Are you wanting to make peace with food yet stuck on your own? Or, are you meeting with a therapist yet needing more intensive treatment? How do you know what is the best next step? Listen to the latest Love Food Podcast for ideas to help you decide.
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My wish every single morning is to just have one day…one day where I do not eat you, enjoy you, and then panic and get rid of you. It has been 6 years and I have not gone one day without engaging in X behaviors. I am tired. I am sick. I am 36 years old and have no friends, no children of my own, and also have almost no hope that I will be able to stop this terrible cycle. I have osteoporosis, low potassium, anemia, dental problems, low vitamin d, a damaged retina, and many other medical complications from what I do with you everyday. It’s so weird. I love you- flavor, texture, the artistry of flavor combinations, the creativity…but I am terrified of you too. Terrified of what effect you will have on my body…terrified that I will love you so much, that I won’t be able to stop…terrified because I am using you as a distraction to stop thinking about extensive childhood trauma. I am 36 and our relationship is no longer so helpful. I use you for the wrong reasons…I wish I could use you for nourishment and not as a means of unhealthy coping. I am faced with the need to attend treatment but I am so scared. We have to meet 6 times a day. We have to sit together and just “be.” I have to use you to help heal me even though currently I hate me. You will be my medicine and hopefully we can become true friends.
I am faced with the decision, Food. Do I go? Do I hope that together we can work through this? Can we do it? Do I even matter enough to try?
I do know that I can’t keep doing this Food. I just can’t. I need to hear from you that you will be there for me in the right ways. That I can learn to exist with you in a healthy way. I am so ashamed, lonely, and really just desperate to have a new relationship with you. I just need a little hope, a little reassurance that things will get better. I can’t see a way out out of this now, but hopefully with your promise that this is possible, I can be more things than I am now.
I can be strong. I can be recovered. I can be a mother. I can be a friend. I live instead of just existing. I can be proud.
Sincerely, Wanting Something More
- Julie Dillon RD blog
- Link to get latest Food Peace Syllabus.
- Intuitive Eating (aff) by Tribole and Resch
- 6 Keys To Food Peace
- Julie on Instagram: Instagram.com/FoodPeaceDietitian
- Find Eating Disorder Dietitians near you.
Do you have a complicated relationship with food? I want to help! Send your Dear Food letter to LoveFoodPodcast@gmail.com.