This episode’s letter chocked me up….
Welcome to International Dieting Month. Let’s Rally together to withstand the pressure from Diet Culture. This episode’s letter connects the dots on the pressure to diet, lose weight, and control oneself. Content Warning: this letter describes eating disorder behaviors linked to Bulimia.
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or really, dear me
for we are nothing without one another.
Together we have navigated rocky terrain,
a tumultuous relationship
full of more fear than love.
I have needed you,
and in that
needed and hated myself.
I have blamed you,
My Self is tied to you
closely and painfully.
But as I have arrived
at my 23rd year
most of the previous 22 spent focusing far too much on you,
I am unravelling
some of the tangled web we exist in together
it is not your fault, food.
Ant it is not mine either.
It feels cliché to say
but I have seen the truth.
It’s society that has created all of this.
It’s all lies
mirrors and smoke
illusions to suck away happiness and freedom
and, most importantly, money and power.
It’s the patriarchy and capitalism
two systems of oppressive power
that taught me to worry about you
about my size and shape
and the effect that you have on those parts of me.
So young I felt for the first time like I took up too much space
with this body of mine.
That I needed to shrink
so I could fit into tiny little premade boxes.
So young I cut you out
I forgot the pleasure you could bring me.
I thought only of numbers,
trying to get you as small as possible
so I could be that way as well.
The rush that success brought is tempting even now,
but I have learned since the first time
that trying to make yourself smaller
is a process doomed to fail.
That in fact our bodies try to protect us
by making us take up even more space after.
Because our bodies don’t believe the lies.
Our innate wisdom
sees through the smoke and mirrors.
And if only I was better at balancing my body and my mind
I would also be able to see the truth.
Instead, I still look in the mirror
and hear the voices of the systems
whispering their poison.
So insidious they are that I yearn
to listen to them
to try again to shrink.
But I won’t,
Because after years of finding myself with my fingers down my throat,
after years of having the most abusive relationship with you, food,
I’ve decided to save my own life.
I am unlearning the lies.
I am shouldering a lifetime of clearing away
the darkness that has been put into my mind.
Because I realized that
even when my body is not
what the world tells me it should be,
I feel lighter
When I can just see you, food,
As a friend.
- Julie Dillon RD blog
- The PCOS + Food Peace Free Roadmap
- The PCOS + Food Peace Course
- Link to get latest Food Peace Syllabus.
- 6 Keys To Food Peace
- Submit your Dear Food letter here or https://forms.gle/pepKRGPC8JbHLHHn8
- Julie on Instagram: Instagram.com/FoodPeaceDietitian
- Find Eating Disorder Dietitians near you.
Do you have a complicated relationship with food? I want to help! Send your Dear Food letter to LoveFoodPodcast@gmail.com.