(221) Fighting diet culture while recovering with Robyn Goldberg

Enticed by those slick new wellness products? Attracted to the hopefulness that comes from the idea that you can be happier in your body if just smaller? Recovering from diet culture and/or an eating disorder is so much tougher because the world hasn’t yet. Guest expert Robyn Goldberg, author of highly recommended book, The Eating Disorder Trap, weighs in on ways to move forward on your Food Peace Journey.

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This episode is brought to you by my courses: PCOS and Food Peace and Dietitians PCOS and Food Peace. You CAN make peace with food even with PCOS and I want to show you how.

Do you own a social justice informed business? Are you a fat positive business owner? I would like to give you the first opportunity to advertise on the Love Food Podcast. Check out the details here: JulieDillonRD.com/LoveFoodSponsor

This episode’s Dear Food letter:

Dear Food,
Where do I begin? I hate you. I love you. You nourish me, yet you cause me feelings of utter guilt and shame. Do I sound crazy yet? I have been struggling with an eating disorder for over ten years. It started out innocent-as it always does! Just wanted to lose a few pounds here and there. But then the weight loss became addicting. Consume less? Move more? The weight melted off. Okay, I thought. This is working. Years down the road I am faced with a number of health problems. Electrolyte imbalances, the bones of an 80 year old woman (I am 27), weakening of my heart muscle, low potassium, and oh did I mention the depression and anxiety? With all of these consequences of my eating disorder, I found myself pushed into saying enough is enough. So, I went to treatment. I left there feeling great. Then I relapsed. I went back to treatment. Here I am weight restored, relatively "healthy" besides the issues I can't reverse. I follow my meal plan every day, listen to my body, eat when I'm hungry, don't over exercise. It is literally a full time job committing to recovery, food. So you can imagine my frustration with the world when I am all of a sudden being bombarded by the latest diet trends EVERYWHERE I LOOK. Wrap yourself skinny! Drink this superfood shake! Don't eat that processed crap! Join my fitness accountability group! Do I need to go on? What is happening? I've spent years in treatment trying to develop a healthy relationship with you food. Trying to let it sink in that you are not BAD. That it's all about balance and getting the nutrients you need to feel your best and yeah, that also means not denying myself a cookie or a damn muffin when I feel like it. I've been trying to be okay with eating how I truly WANT. Not how others think I should. But I can only take so much of this diet stuff. I can't have a conversation with someone, log into my Facebook, go to a coffee shop without calories, weight loss, or some new "get skinny quick"'scheme being thrown into my face. The problem is, the logical part of me who wants to stay in recovery knows that these schemes are bullshit. But the eating disorder loves this. It loves to just kind of tap me on the shoulder sometimes and say "hey..why don't you just order those shakes? It could be a healthy replacement for lunch if you're on the go." Or "hey you really don't get enough exercise these days, why don't you just order that new insane fitness program everyone is raving about?" 

My question is, food, how in the world am
I expected to stay on track to a healthy, balanced life when everywhere I turn there is a tempting reason for me to go back to my old ways? I know that trying one of these diets, cleanses, programs will only restrict what I am "allowed" to eat, thus ruining all of the progress I've made. BUT IT IS SO HARD, FOOD!! Are these people right? Are there foods I need to stay away from? It's so hard not to be tempted or convinced when I am feeling so vulnerable. Would trying any of these programs hurt me or can I do it in a way that is healthy? 
-Tired (but tempted) of the diet industry 

Show Notes:

Do you have a complicated relationship with food? I want to help! Send your Dear Food letter to LoveFoodPodcast@gmail.com. 

Click here to leave me a review in iTunes and subscribe. This type of kindness helps the show continue!

(192) I want more control while intuitively eating.

The road to Food Peace is not all rainbows and butterflies. Most will experience rejection, body hate, and complicated ways of eating. If you come from that place and journeying toward intuitive eating, you may crave more control in the process. I made this week’s Love Food Podcast episode just for you.

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This episode is brought to you by my courses: PCOS and Food Peace and Dietitians PCOS and Food Peace. You CAN make peace with food even with PCOS and I want to show you how.

This episode’s Dear Food letter:

Dear Food,

Our relationship has been complicated since before I can remember. I’ve been overweight my entire life and you have always been the one i put the blame on. I was very young when i was told you were bad for me. I knew to stay away from carbs and sweets before i went to grade school. My mother lived for diet culture. Every month it was a new diet and I was always forced to participate. The diets never worked. I couldn’t stay away from you. Although i knew i was overweight i never wanted to admit it. I was ashamed of the word fat. After my dad passed away our bond grew closer. We were now best friends. You were there for the tears and you were there for the laughs. I used you as my crutch to get me out of a dark place. After a year i realized that we needed a break. My clothes were tighter, i went up pant sizes, and the pictures from spring fling made me want to vomit. I didnt want to be the fat girl any more. At 16 years old i just wanted to fit in. So I lost Xlbs, i joined the dance team, and the cheer squad. I was still overweight but i felt good about myself and all of the new friends i made. I managed to keep the Xlbs off for 2 years until I graduated. That’s when i started working and could start to feed myself. I ate fast food every night after work. I loved it. I had never been able to experience this. As a child i rarely got fast food because our family was always on a diet. I couldn’t control myself. Sometimes I’d get fast food multiple times a day. Before i knew it the Xlbs were back.  I managed to not gain anymore weight for about 4 years. Then i married my husband and my relationship with food went sour. I gained Xlbs over the first year i was married. I remember hearing the doctor say my weight and i almost fell to the floor. How could this happen? Ive been overeating for years and i never gained anything. I knew a change needed to happen. But how? I started dieting. I would spend hours planning meals and snacks for the week but that grew tiresome fast. I figured I’d try keto everyone raves about how easy it is. It didnt matter what diet i did i always managed to overeat to the point of being sick. I heard about intuitive eating from a friend at the gym and she suggested i Look into it. Once again i find myself binging on unhealthy snacks. I’ve been desperately trying to rebuild a healthy relationship with food but some how i always find myself in the fridge eating until my stomach cant handle anymore. I’m lost and confused.  I am frustrated and desperate to get control of my life again. 


Sincerely,

Desperate For Help

Show Notes:

Do you have a complicated relationship with food? I want to help! Send your Dear Food letter to LoveFoodPodcast@gmail.com. 

Click here to leave me a review in iTunes and subscribe. This type of kindness helps the show continue!

(179) I was teased about my body and can’t get over it.

Do you remember when you learned that false truth that something is wrong with your body?? That is a trauma and makes recovering from dieting disorders and eating disorders so darn tough. Let’s rally together to make this cultural shift. Listen to the latest Love Food podcast to find out more.

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Looking for more Food Peace? Want to help support the Love Food Podcast? Check out my new After the Letters Project on Patreon. I have exclusive weekly mini-episodes for $29/month and other freebies. Find more at Patreon.com/LoveFoodPodcast

This episode is brought to you by my courses: PCOS and Food Peace and Dietitians PCOS and Food Peace. You CAN make peace with food even with PCOS and I want to show you how.

This episode’s Dear Food letter:

Dear food, 

        My relationship with you has not always been like this. For the majority of my life, I loved you, but at the same time, I did not pay much attention to you. I ate what was on my plate, never denied a piece of cake, and never even thought of the idea of dieting. 
        But, as most nice things do, this eventually came to an end, thanks to a boy in my class. This boy said instead of strawberry shortcake, people should call me strawberry fatcake, and the entire class laughed. As you can imagine, eighth grade me was mortified, and I decided not to eat for three days. I realized this was not healthy, my mom ensured me that I was, in fact, not fat, and that if she was concerned about my health, she would take me to a doctor, so I eventually returned to my old ways. 
        Then, I entered my freshman year of high school, surrounded by girls I thought to be much more prettier and skinnier than me. So, around Christmas, with the help of lovely diet pages on instagram, I decided to lose weight. I cut down on calories slowly and slowly, and eventually decided that 800 was about my max intake per day. 
        Fast forward to July, 60 pounds lighter and a diagnosis of anorexia. And I just have to say, that recovery is the hardest thing in the world. I feel like I am always eating, and I am beyond scared to eat when I am not hungry or to gain weight. It is pretty miserable, food, and I just want to forget about you! 
        But, the real reason that I am writing you, is that I feel like there is no way I will ever enjoy you again. How will you not make me shake at the thought of you? What if I like you too much and get fat again? How will I eat the same food again and not get fat? My goodness, the list goes on! I just need your help food, I need to know you won’t hurt me again. 

Sincerely,

wanting but scared to recover

Show Notes:

Do you have a complicated relationship with food? I want to help! Send your Dear Food letter to LoveFoodPodcast@gmail.com. 

Click here to leave me a review in iTunes and subscribe. This type of kindness helps the show continue!

(175) Food is taking over my life (with Carolina Guízar)

Do you feel “all in” with a healthy eating pact then, next thing you know, in the throes of what feels like an uncontrollable binge? Does food fill your head and distract you from having fun and living your life? Listen up. Guest expert Carolina Guízar and I explore this on the latest episode of the Love Food podcast.

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Looking for more Food Peace? Want to help support the Love Food Podcast? Check out my new After the Letters Project on Patreon. I have exclusive weekly mini-episodes for $29/month and other freebies. Find more at Patreon.com/LoveFoodPodcast

This episode is brought to you by my courses: PCOS and Food Peace and Dietitians PCOS and Food Peace. You CAN make peace with food even with PCOS and I want to show you how.

This episode’s Dear Food letter:

Dear Food,

As a child, I never thought much about you. You were just the breakfast my mom made in the morning before she went to work. She put my brother and mine’s breakfast on a tray and lay it on her bed as she got ready. Usually you were something easy to make, eggos waffles smothered in syrup or scrambled eggs and ham with milk or orange juice. You were just the lunch my mom packed the night before – a sandwich filled with meat, cheese and mustard, chips, and sometimes a couple of chips ahoy cookies. Since my mom was a single working mother, my abuela would pick my brother and I up from school to take to her house until my mother was off work. We would be given vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup while we did our homework. FYI- my mother’s side is Cuban and if anyone hearing this is Hispanic they will understand that potatoes and rice are our vegetables. My abuela was an incredible cook and would always prepare some sort of meat with rice, black beans, and fried savory plantains she always made. My favorite meal was chicken fricassee- dark chicken meat, potatoes, olives, peas, and onion cooked in a flavorful tomato sauce. Looking back, I didn’t know much about you because I wasn’t able to explore you. You were just something that was put in front of me and I was told to eat. Every now and then we had some alone time when I went out with friends or to a drive through after I got my license. I came from a very frugal family, so our “dinner’s out” would be chick fil a, Panera, or Domino’s pizza.

It wasn’t until freshman year of college where we finally had alone time. Starting college, I was thin and felt good about my body. As the year went on, I was overwhelmed with having free access to all the foods I love on my meal plan. Chick fil a, Au bon pain, panda express, starbucks, and food halls filled with candies, chips, ice cream and more. I stuffed my face with you thinking nothing of it while I went out drinking 4 times a week. Nights out usually ended with late night eating with friends. By the time spring break came, I realized just how much damage you had done to me. My clothes were tighter, my stomach was bigger, and my face had filled out a lot. I didn’t look like myself. 

When I went home that summer, I made a pact with myself that I would work out and eat healthy. I wanted to see what my healthiest body would look like. I wanted girls to envy me and boys to desire me. I started to run every day and do a workout video off youtube. I stopped drinking for a month. I did a ton of research on healthy eating. Food, you changed into something I ate to give me the body I became obsessed with having. You changed to a form of rules that has damaged the way I see you even now. I ate cooked chicken and 99% lean turkey with no oil and only cayenne because I feared olive oil would make me fat. I only ate fruit in the morning because I read that the sugars metabolize differently in the afternoon. I only dressed my salads in balsamic vinegar because of the high calorie grocery store dressings. When you became these rules, the way I viewed everything changed. I was addicted to the praise I received when I got results, and didn’t see anything wrong with what I was doing because I was certain it was “healthy”. I had a boyfriend that summer who knew about my obsession with eating healthy. Every now and then, him or his family took me out to nice dinners where I allowed myself to eat and drink whatever I wanted. But that’s when it goes dark. Instead of being present, I would obsess over the food in front of me. I would eat past the point of full because I saw it as my only time to have this “unhealthy” food. I would be having a conversation, but I was really thinking about the eating everything and anything I could get my hands on while I could. Even after dinner, I’d drive out to cvs to get my favorite ice cream or candy. After these episodes I was convinced people could see the food I ate on my body. People noticed this cycle and I’ve received a few comments that my motto seemed to be all or nothing when it came to you, food. The next day after my binge, I’d feel so guilty and ashamed and I would go back to only eating healthy and working out until the next episode. I didn’t realize this cycle would stay with me for the next five years. 

Of course,  our relationship has slightly changed over those years- I’m 24 and in my first two years of the working world. When my nutrition journey first started, I did grow to love fitness but now that I’m not active throughout the day at a desk job- my body is a little heavier than it was in college. I constantly aim to go back to the super skinny and fit shape I used to be in. I do my best to eat healthy and meal prep every week. I think about food constantly and often create meal plans and recreate them when I’m at work. Every now and then I try to convince myself I’m okay and I can have that piece of chocolate if I want it. But everytime I have a bite of something “unhealthy” it triggers a binge cycle and I find myself checking out at the grocery with sweedish fish, sour patch kids, and oreos. I kill myself at the gym six times a week. I’m constantly buying meal plans and fitness plans that promise amazing results. I stick with it a few weeks and then get frustrated when I don’t see immediate results. I go from having faith in myself to do it on my own to finding a new and shiner plan that will get me there. My binge episodes have become more frequent in a week and I’m sick of it. Now I have the same feeling I did my freshman year- I don’t recognize this body and I’m constantly torturing it. 

Food, you’re taking over my life. When will this end? Aren’t you sick of this like I am? How can we get to a point where I feel safe with you no matter what?


Sincerely,

Exhasted

Show Notes:

Do you have a complicated relationship with food? I want to help! Send your Dear Food letter to LoveFoodPodcast@gmail.com. 

Click here to leave me a review in iTunes and subscribe. This type of kindness helps the show continue!

(157) I am terrified of my body changing (with Barbara Birsinger)

Are you ready to ditch diets…yet not ready? Does the thought of another diet seem intolerable yet so does losing control? Does it feel like you will be just letting yourself go??? Listen to the latest Love Food Podcast that dishes on just that with special guest Barbara Birsinger.

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This episode is brought to you by my courses: PCOS and Food Peace and Dietitians PCOS and Food Peace. You CAN make peace with food even with PCOS and I want to show you how.

I want to share the work going on within Decolonizing Fitness. The person behind it, Ilya Parker, is a trans person of color Physical Therapist Assistant and Medical Exercise Coach with over 13 years of rehabilitative and functional training experience. He is a social justice advocate and educator whose work centers gender, racial and healing justice.

He decided to merge his love for restorative based movement practices and community advocacy to create Decolonizing Fitness, LLC; which is a social justice platform that provides affirming fitness services, community education and apparel in support of body diversity. Check out www.decolonizingfitness.com.

This episode’s Dear Food letter:

Dear food,
You are so complicated. We used to have a good relationship. It wasn’t that long ago. At first it wasn’t even about you. Then I went through that period of incredible stress. I felt so lost and physically couldn’t eat you. I think that’s when the problem started. I lost some weight. That wasn’t a plan. I don’t know if it became a way to cope, to feel (or not feel), a way to control something, a way to become invisible.Now it is definitely intentional. I like the smallness. I’m so afraid to let go of that. I want health. I’m sure this is not full health. My brain knows it is time to heal. So many days I go to bed and promise that I can heal, that I won’t think about you and will just take care of my needs. But it doesn’t last long. I get scared and can’t eat you again.I know where to find all kinds of resources. I seek them out, I fill my head with all the reasons to heal. I want to be better. But I’m terrified. I am terrified of admitting to anyone what’s going on. I am terrified of the body changes. I am terrified that some people will think I let myself go. I feel at the same time so ready for change and health but not ready to take the hard steps. How can I convince myself that it is time?Yours,
Ready, Not Ready

Show Notes:

Do you have a complicated relationship with food? I want to help! Send your Dear Food letter to LoveFoodPodcast@gmail.com. 

Click here to leave me a review in iTunes and subscribe. This type of kindness helps the show continue!